LH Short Story: Deck the Halls

Lost Humanity Short Story

This story is provided for free by H.S. Kallinger as part of the Lost Humanity universe.
Timing: Between Hotel of Lost Souls and Pet.
Content Warnings: angst, domestic violence, abuse, ableist language

Deck the Halls

(not your loved one)

The precariously stacked boxes next to me collapsed with a crash. I shrieked as I grabbed at it, hoping against hope that nothing broke. I managed to un-bury myself without hearing any suspicious broken sounds. The door opened, and I tossed myself over the half-open box in front of me defensively.

“What are you doing?” Sarah asked, looking at the mess with wide eyes. My right hand still held the scissors I was massacring wrapping paper with.

“My best!” I said.

“Oh, sweetie, are you okay?” she asked, ducking into the room.

“Presents!” I protested.

“Is that for me?” she asked, gesturing toward the box I was covering.

“No. Lukas,” I said, trying to sit back up.

“Baby, you're bleeding,” she said, drawing my attention to the hand I must've stabbed when I started flailing. “You got something for Lukas?”

“Can you hand me a—thank you,” I said, taking the tissue from her. She left and came back with wound gel and a Band-aid. “Yeah, I'm not going to not give him a gift just because he's an asshole.”

Sarah waited quietly while I cleaned up and bandaged my hand, annoyed at how deep I'd gotten myself without even noticing. Of course, my other hand was already a swollen, scabbed mess from punching Lukas the day before, so I was already ignoring a lot of pain. I'd only hit him once, but I'd managed to wreck my hand. He'd had a huge bruise on his jaw when I'd checked his bed to see if he'd come home, so I hadn't just hurt myself.

“I honestly thought you weren't coming home,” she whispered. I looked up at her. She was shaking, staring at my left hand. It was safer than my face, I supposed. I had a black eye myself. My right arm was bruised from wrist to elbow and had more on my upper arm, but I was wearing long sleeves to spare her all of that.

“I wasn't sure I was,” I whispered back, and she finally met my eyes. “I almost used it.”

'It' was a credit card Lukas had given me in July, after I'd healed most of my injuries from Sébastien. He'd apologized over and over as he gave it to me and said that if living with him was ever not what I wanted anymore, to use it to take a plane and get a hotel wherever I needed to get away from him. He promised to ship all my things, no questions asked, and never bother me again. I threw it in the trash and told him to fuck off with that, that I'd made my decision, but I found it in my wallet later with a note saying 'You will never be my prisoner again.'

I'd spent an hour staring at it last night at the coffee shop I'd picked to brood in and metaphorically lick my wounds. In the end, I'd gone out to my car and cried because that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted the fighting to stop. I wanted him to be the Lukas I looked forward to seeing when I had a night off or came home from a day shift on the ambulance. I wanted him to stop being a moody, abusive asshole.

“Why didn't you?” Sarah asked, her voice listless. I pulled her into a tight hug and kissed her head.

“Because I love him,” I answered. She pushed away and looked up at me, confused. “Were you afraid I was staying for you?”

“Yes,” she whimpered. “Jamie still hasn't come back.”

“I don't blame her,” I said. Jamie had used her card twice. The first time had been a nightmare. Sarah had been so upset that she made herself sick, ended up lethargic and... I had packed her things and planned to use my card to fly us out to Jamie. Sarah wouldn't make the decision herself. She couldn't pick between the three of us, she'd said, and with two of us here, she'd been effectively trapped. I was going to choose for her, because Lukas wasn't worth losing her like that. He couldn't be. Then Jamie had called and asked if she could come home.

'You can always come home,' had been Lukas's answer. They weren't one way. I could use the card, go home to my parents, make a decision, the same way Jamie had done. It was the healthier choice—leaving, assessing, getting away from the man I felt addicted to. But I wasn't healthy.

“When you stopped him from hitting her—is your arm broken?” Sarah asked. I shook my head.

“No, just bruised. He never hits hard enough to break anything,” I answered.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” Sarah said, sitting back and looking around the room. “You're just trying to do something normal, and I'm—”

“I suck at this,” I said, gesturing to the few things I had already wrapped. “I'm going to tell everyone I outsourced my wrapping job to a drunk T-Rex.”

“They'd believe it,” she got out after laughing far too hard at my stupid joke.

“I know I should give up and use gift bags, but... It's our first Christmas together in a real house, and... And are we going to celebrate that flock binding thing we did? That's next week. I got presents for that, too. It feels like an anniversary. I want it to be an anniversary, I think? Do you? But if Jamie isn't back...”

“She'll be back,” Sarah said, confident. “I think last night just scared her really badly. It scared me.”

“I was too angry to be scared,” I admitted. “Jamie had every right to say that. He had it coming, and he needs to learn to fucking take criticism. I'm not going to tiptoe around him all the goddamned time and let him behave like an overpowered fucking toddler. I don't give a fuck about his fucking fucked shit fucking...”

I threw the scissors. I wasn't thinking. They embedded in the wall, and we both stared at them. I took slow, deep breaths, trying to calm down. My chest hurt.

“Yeah,” Sarah said quietly. “I don't understand why you two can't back off when he's so obviously upset.”

“He needs to learn to talk about it,” I answered. “I wasn't afraid last night like I usually am. I just got angry. I think he's scared me too many times, and he's definitely hit me too many.”

“But you're not the one who said it.”

“No, because I was going to go walk it off. Like he needs to learn to do. But when he stomped over at her, I snapped. I wasn't going to let him hit her again. He never gets to hit her again. Over my dead body. I'm done with it.” I looked down into the box at the gift I'd got and sighed. “I can't give it to him now. Fuck.”

“Why? You were just—”

“Because I've associated it now. It's linked to last night. And please don't blame yourself. I'm the clumsy jerk who decided it was a great idea to stack twenty boxes on top of each other and then smacked my elbow into them.”

“I count eight.”

“I can't have hyperbole?”

“Oh,” she said and shook her head. “Sorry.”

“Don't be. Please.” I took her hands in mine and kissed her. Then I made a decision about the box. “I'm giving it to Jamie.”

“What even is it?”

“Original vinyl LP set of Pink Floyd's The Wall,” I answered.

“Oh my god, they would both love that,” Sarah said.

“Yep. I'll need to go find something else for Lukas,” I said, feeling immensely better. “I think I'm going to give him a book on anger management.”

“You want to start a fight on Christmas?” Sarah asked, flipping her hands out.

“I don't think it will,” I said. “But I'm going to give it to him as his 'sorry I hit you' present.”

“You aren't!”

“I am. I hit him. That's what we do, right?”

“And you don't think he's going to hit you again for it?” She shook her head in disbelief.

“I think he'll read it,” I answered. “He reads pretty much anything you stick in his hands. I think he'll be mad, but he won't hit me while I still have a black eye. He'll keep his temper until all the bruises are gone. It's what he does.”

“You'll have to get it soon, then. It's barely there,” she said, looking closely at my face. “It's really light.”

“Good. It'll be gone by Christmas then. I really don't want it there when our parents are visiting.”

“Me, either.” Sarah kissed my cheek. “Now, is your hand broken?”

“Not... exactly...”

“It's broken?” she shouted, grabbing my wrist. Pain made my vision swim a little as she yanked it up to look at it better.

“It's not broken. I don't think. My middle finger was jammed,” I said, pulling it away to shake it a little. “Everything moves. I'm just glad this happened at the beginning of the weekend.”

“Your finger is black!”

“It's purple.”

“It's purple!” she looked at me with horror, and I shrugged.

“I knocked two of his teeth out, Sarah. That doesn't happen without some damage happening back.” I couldn't meet her shocked eyes. I guess she hadn't seen him spit them out into his hand before he backhanded me and stormed off. One had been a fang. That was what had cut my hand open so badly. I wasn't sure if a broken fang had to grow back or if it would repair itself, so I was hoping I knocked the whole tooth out. Then I realized that everyone had left her alone last night in the wake of that bullshit. “I'm so sorry I just left.”

“I understand,” she said and finally hugged me back. “Okay. Let's pretend that whole conversation didn't happen and instead, let me teach you how to wrap gifts.”

“Forget it. I'm being ridiculous. I'll just go get—”

“No. I know you can learn how to do this,” she said, her eyes lighting up with determination. “First, though, I'm going to teach you how to cut the paper because it looks like you just stabbed it with the scissors while tearing it.”

“Ouch.”

“No, it shouldn't hurt,” she joked and crawled over to the wall to pull on the scissors. They came out easily, thank goodness. I winced.

“I'm—”

“No more apologies! The wall has learned its lesson, and hopefully Lukas—who these were clearly meant for—did, too! And that's the end of it! Now, show me how you think paper is cut.”

“Is this how you talk to kindergartners?” I teased her.

“Oooh, right. Okay, sweetie. Let's see you cut this paper,” she said, giving me a giant, encouraging grin that made me burst out laughing. I demonstrated, and she stopped me halfway and actually corrected my fucking usage of scissors. I watched in amazement when she used them to glide along the dotted lines on the back of the paper like she was slicing butter. Three minutes later, I was doing it, too, and she cheered at me like I was a five year old and stuck a bow on my forehead. Ten minutes later, I had two packages wrapped and looking decent. I felt worse about my first attempts, but I wasn't going to redo them. They were wrapped with love, after all.

I had to shoo her out to wrap her gifts, and a half hour later, I had everything done and under the tree. I felt tremendously better. Then I decided it was time to press my luck and booked it out of the house to go get a pointed gift for Lukas. The sun had already set by the time I got home, and I was so relieved I braked too hard and squeaked my tires when I saw everyone's cars were in their spots.

I started to run inside, tripped on the edge of the driveway, and barely stopped myself from hitting the ground. I chose to walk after that, my ankle aching where I'd rolled it. I clutched the gift bag tightly as I unlocked the door and took a deep breath before I opened it.

“Well, you don't look as bad as I expected,” Jamie said when I swung the door open. She was hanging her jacket up, so she must've just gotten home right before me.

“Hello to you, too,” I said before hugging her. She yelped.

“You're frozen! Too cold, too cold!” She rubbed her arms in emphasis when I let her go. “Don't you use the heater?”

“I was hot and didn't really need it,” I said. She shook her head. Lukas was sitting in his chair, slumped to the side and looking miserable. Ah, good, he knew what he did. I strode across the living room and tossed the bag in his lap before returning to Sarah to sit on the couch and scoop her into my lap. I tried to ignore that I was using her like a shield. Lukas frowned at the bag and looked at me.

“Sorry about...” I gestured to his face. I felt horrible. It looked awful, and what it took to bruise a vampire that badly would have put a human in the hospital. I swore to myself to never punch him in the face again. I couldn't handle it. Knowing that I'd done that hurt. It hurt more than all of my own bruises. “Your fang isn't broken, is it?”

“It went back in,” he said, frowning into the bag. He pulled the book out and sighed. “I do not know what to do.”

“About what?” Sarah asked. Jamie had wiggled her way in between me and the arm of the couch, pulling Sarah half into her lap.

“If I tell you, I put you all at risk,” he answered. That got my attention.

“I accept that risk,” I said without hesitation.

“Me, too,” Sarah said. Lukas looked at Jamie, but she was refusing to look at him, trying to make herself small and invisible.

“I think he wants to hear that from you, too,” I told her. She shrugged.

“I wouldn't fucking be here if I hadn't accepted all the risks of being in a master's household,” she said.

“You understand that the risk is your lives? Or worse?”

“You mean like what Sébastien did? What we're still here after? What we already know could happen again?” I snapped. Lukas went off in a stream of German that left me staring blankly. Jamie sighed softly.

“Sie sprechen kein Deutsch,” she said. He stood up and started pacing, gesturing wildly as he spoke. Jamie stiffened next to me.

“There was a fight at the meeting last night. Isaiah challenged Filomena and won. It was a bloodbath! I did not want him on the council, but now he is there, and I can do nothing,” he ranted. “I trust Filomena far more. As my sixth, Isaiah already required me to be on my guard. He was invaluable there, but he is a dangerous sociopath. You think I am bad...”

“Think he beats his loved ones?” I muttered. Lukas stopped and cocked his head to the side.

“No, she would kill him in his sleep,” Lukas said, and I stared at him, not having expected an answer. I remembered Isaiah was responsible for blowing up Sébastien's hideout when they came to rescue us. It had been a lovely fire. “Assuming that she survived. He loses himself when he fights.”

“So you made a conscious decision to hurt me. Nice,” I grumbled. Lukas stopped to stare at me, and I realized that I was fucking up, pushing him when he was trying to open up. But I didn't want to apologize. He deserved every snarky comment. He took slow, deliberate steps toward the couch, and I stiffened. I quickly pushed Sarah onto Jamie and stood up to walk away from them, protecting them from my mistake. “I—”

His arms pulled me into a hug right before he collapsed to his knees. I went down with him, landing to straddle his thighs. He shook and began speaking in German, repeating himself over and over.

“Es tut mir Leid,” he cried. “Vergib mir. Virgib mir. Bitte, bitte, vergib mir!”

“I...” I hugged him back, helpless against this. The last part sounded like 'forgive me.' He was begging my forgiveness? I understood 'please.' He was sobbing now, and I hugged him as tightly as I could. “Please don't cry. I forgive you?”

“I should have stopped. You should leave me. I cannot promise that I will never do it again. I will not lie to you. I do not want to hurt you.” He said something after that in German, but I couldn't follow.

“What?”

“He said 'save yourself from me,'” Jamie translated. “Bockmist.”

“Huh?” I asked her, but she shook her head. Lukas mumbled an agreement with whatever it was. Jamie stood up and bolted across the room.

“Manipulative bullshit,” she snapped as she ran. She threw out a lot of German after. Lukas cried against my shoulder as she did. She stopped at the doorway and turned back. Her eyes were wide with fear of retaliation. Tears shone in them. “All any of us have done is care about you! Shutting us out doesn't negate the risk that comes from just living in this house. All it does it cause us all stress and misery! It's your choice! All of it!”

Lukas cried harder and balled his hands in my shirt. Jamie ran into her bedroom and slammed and locked the door. I couldn't handle any more and tried to get him to look at me. His crying was ripping my heart apart. But when he did finally look up, it wasn't better, because there was the mark from my fist. My breath hitched.

“How can I take care of you if you hurt me for trying?” I cried at him. He shook his head, tears falling from his face. “I can't save myself. It's too late. Like Jamie said, that was your choices. You can choose not to hurt me.”

“I cannot.”

“Your choice,” I repeated, and he shook his head. “I love you.”

“Ich liebe dich,” he replied.

“Then act like it,” I said before I kissed his eyes. “I'm so, so sorry that I hit you. I won't do it again.”

“You may have to,” he mumbled. I shook my head.

“No. I will never hit you like that again at the very least. Never,” I swore. I touched his jaw and he leaned into my touch, even though it had to hurt. “Never.”

“Take off your shirt,” he rasped. I sighed and stood up to comply. He tried to get up and fell back. I caught him and steadied him to stand. He looked at my arms and turned me to look at my back. Again, he apologized in German, the same as before. I tried to memorize the sounds of the words so I could look them up later to be sure.

“Can I put my shirt back on? Sarah's crying.” I could hear her little gasps. Lukas let go of me to go to her, and I took that as permission to hide the bruises away. When I turned around, he was sitting next to her, an arm on the back of the couch behind her, but holding himself back, waiting for her to come to him. She was looking at me. “Go ahead.”

She turned and collapsed into his arms. He looked at me imploringly as he pulled her close. I didn't want to sit with him, so I shook my head. I didn't understand him, why he had to control everyone but himself.

“Can I make this up to you?” Lukas asked us, looking between Sarah and me. I shrugged.

“What are you thinking?” Sarah asked.

“I will talk about these things, the dangerous things. You can never talk about them with others, though,” he said.

“We already knew that,” I said. Lukas nodded and looked at the floor.

“The more that you know, the more what I deal with will come home. It would make things easier for me. I have... often gotten angry because you would not leave it alone and I want nothing more than to be able to talk.”

“That's—” I stopped myself from saying 'the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard.' Not productive. I needed to choose every word here carefully. “What we... obviously sensed... was going on.”

“I can hide you from my life with your ignorance,” he said. “This can be a new start for you. Once I take that—”

“Lukas,” Sarah said, touching his face gently and making him look in her eyes. “We're together. We're your peeps, remember? Your flock?”

“You bound us together almost a year ago,” I added, and he turned to look at me. I heard movement behind me and checked to see Jamie peeking out from the doorway. She was shaking. “I was asking Sarah if we were going to celebrate that as an anniversary.”

I couldn't understand whatever Lukas said after that. He clutched Sarah to himself like a security blanket and buried his face in her hair. I turned to Jamie, and she sighed.

“He's just wallowing in his mistakes again,” she muttered.

“How little you must believe I think of what was, to me, a very important gesture,” Lukas said. “You ask to celebrate the very thing that I have violated. I do not mean to erase our flock. I mean only to protect it. But I told you that it meant I would include you, and here, I have made it a lie. I did not want that. I—”

“You hate lies between the people you love. I know,” I said. “Free pass on this. We get it. You wanted to give us the freedom you stole.”

“Geneau!”

“I still don't speak German, but that sounded like an agreement,” I said with a slight laugh. He nodded. “I really wish someone would answer me on if we're going to make it our anniversary. I really don't want it to be the day of the train wreck.”

“Is that why you took a twenty-four and weren't home that entire day?” Sarah asked. I nodded.

“I second the motion to make the flock binding our group anniversary,” Jamie said. I turned and smiled gratefully at her.

“Oh! I didn't realize earlier—yes, I agree,” Sarah said.

“I already bought gifts,” Lukas said, and I smiled at him.

“Me, too,” I said. He smiled back.

“You said you were going to talk,” Jamie said. “That's why I came out. What's going on? What are you worried about? Who's Isaiah?”

“He was the vampire that blew up Sébastien's torture shack,” I said. Lukas looked surprised. I explained, “I really liked when he did that.”

“You...” Lukas laughed. “As Zack said, he enjoys pyrotechnics. He is a mercenary by trade, and I control all of his contracts in order to keep him in line. He came to me to sell his services against Sébastien when I opened my challenge against him.”

“What's the council?” Jamie continued. I walked over to sit near Lukas on the couch but not touching. He hugged Sarah a little tighter. Jamie took an easy chair.

“My four highest lieutenants,” he answered. “A fifth lieutenant is counted in the event the council needs a tie-breaker and I cannot do it myself. Isaiah was my sixth. The count begins with my second, then third, et cetera.”

“Who's your second?” I asked, curious.

“Samiya. I truly would prefer Niccolo as my second, but he cannot hold it. It is entirely personal—Samiya is easily the best for the position, and I trust her perhaps more than anyone other than Niccolo. But he is my friend, and I just prefer spending time with him.”

“Is he straight?” I asked before I could stop myself. I didn't want to know! I started to say that when Lukas raised his eyebrow at me and smirked.

“Yes,” Lukas answered. “We are only friends, and he is a womanizer. Not in a cruel way—he is kind and doting—but he flirts with any woman who gives him any attention at all.”

“Is he on the council at all?” Jamie asked.

“He is my third, yes,” Lukas confirmed. “It is generally better to have a military strategist there or in the second position, but I can serve in that function myself.”

“You were military? Oh, yeah, knight and the Vampire Revolutionary War and all that,” I said, shaking my head.

“I am military,” Lukas said. “I am a Master Sergeant in the United States Army.”

“You're what?” Sarah and I asked together. Lukas chuckled.

“I am inactive. I fulfilled my duty tour in Bosnia.”

“Is a Master Sergeant high?” I asked, not really knowing much about the military. Lukas nodded. “How long did you serve, then?”

“Would you believe that I joined the US Army in 1943?” Lukas said, looking very amused. “I spent most of the war hiding due to the American Vampire War, but I took a risk when I heard how desperately the Army needed volunteers. It was not spoken of, but vampire recruits were quietly admitted if we volunteered.”

“You fought Nazis?” I asked, surprised.

“Not overseas, but I contributed here at home. Due to my experience and rank of captain in the Vampire Revolutionary War, I was enlisted as a corporal. I was promoted to sergeant, and that rank was found in the records when I returned after the Truce.”

“Were you part of the vampire draft?” Jamie asked. Lukas shook his head.

“I was not yet a citizen during Vietnam,” Lukas said. “Deliberately. I did not yet trust the Truce. The draft made me trust it even less.”

“So, if there's another draft, would you be a part of it?” I asked. Lukas shook his head.

“I will have returned to active duty before any draft is required unless I am opposed to the war in question. At that point, I will not be available to be drafted,” he said. I nodded.

“When I registered with Selective Service, I thought about that a lot. I wasn't happy with the president or the war at the time, and I wondered what I'd do if they activated it.”

“Selective Service?” Sarah asked, frowning.

“The draft thing? All US men between eighteen and twenty-five have to sign up. You didn't know?” I asked. She shook her head.

“I never heard about it. Maybe because I was out of the country when I and most of my friends turned eighteen?” she said. I looked at Jamie, and she shrugged.

“I had a friend who joined the Navy to get a scholarship who said that he might as well since he had to register with Selective Service anyway,” she said. “So, I knew about it.”

“So, you serve as your own military adviser?” Jamie returned us to our conversation.

“In a fashion, yes. I enlisted the advice of all current and prior military officers in our strategy plannings during the takeover. Wars have always led to new vampires from the fallen.” Lukas looked longingly at me again, but I still didn't scoot over. “The council consists of the strongest and most powerful in the flock. Isaiah certainly qualifies, but I had hoped he did not have the ambition.”

“Are you worried about him gunning for the top?”

“I am worried about everyone except Samiya, Niccolo and Filomena in that respect. My flock is new and born of the blood of our previous master. It now contains the remnants of another master's territory that I usurped. I can never rest easy.”

“Why do you trust Samiya and Filomena so much?” I asked. He'd already explained why he trusted Niccolo.

“Samiya would tell me first if she was displeased with my leadership. She did so to Sébastien, and he foolishly ignored her. Filomena does not have the strength nor the heart to rule. She requires someone higher that she trusts to protect her. I know the mistakes Sébastien made with her to not repeat them. They were my highest lieutenants through my entire revolution, from the first night.”

“Is Filomena still alive?” Jamie asked. “You said it was a bloodbath.”

“She is, and it was. Isaiah had the sense to stop without killing her when she lost consciousness. I do not wish to discuss the details, but it reminds me of how very dangerous and unscrupulous he is in a fight. He barely stopped, and it was only because I spoke his name.”

“And now he's helping make decisions for the entire territory?” Jamie asked, her tone incredulous. “After that?”

“That is how fights for succession go,” Lukas said, sounding tired. “But yes, you see why I am unhappy.”

“But you're the master. Can't you just say you want it to change?” I asked. Lukas sighed.

“I am changing what I can as I go. I do not get to reinvent every rule we have just because it inconveniences me,” he said. “The council I have developed is new enough. I had to leave some systems in place.”

“That sucks,” Sarah said. Lukas nodded.

“This is the kinda shit you've been keeping to yourself?” I asked. Lukas nodded. “No wonder you've been so fucking stressed out. I'm glad you're going to stop it. How are you supposed to get any rest from it if you just let it stew in your head until you're burned out?”

“I do not know. I always had Sébastien to talk with before,” he said. “I did not realize how much relief I would feel by telling you this. I thought I would only worry more about you for knowing it. I am forgiven?”

“Yes,” Sarah said.

“I guess,” I said at the same time.

“Provisionally,” Jamie murmured. Lukas turned to her.

“The provision, I assume, is that I continue divulging my stresses?”

“Mm-hmm,” she said.

“Then may I stop being isolated? Please?” he asked, looking down at his empty right hand. I sighed and scooted over to sit under that arm. Jamie got up and sat next to Sarah. Lukas hugged me too hard, too tightly. “Are you hungry?”

“Yes,” we all three said together. Lukas chuckled and squeezed me and Sarah.

“Good. I booked reservations at Hippolyte's,” he said. We all stared at him.

“When?” Sarah asked. Lukas looked down at the floor.

“Last night.”

“How?” we all three chorused.

“The Hippolyte's? The one in San Francisco with three Michelin stars and an all vampire staff?” Jamie confirmed as Lukas nodded.

“I have my ways,” he said. “I assume that it was a good choice?”

“When is it? Do I have time to shower? My hair!” Sarah jumped off the couch and bolted for my bathroom, Jamie on her heels.

“We have two hours,” he called out.

“That's it?” Jamie cried before slamming my door shut.

“Dammit, I have to wait two more hours?” I grumbled as I dutifully aimed for the other bathroom with a shower next to Lukas's bedroom. “And wear a suit, I assume?”

“You assume correctly,” Lukas said from directly behind me. I jumped into the wall, but he caught me before I hit. I hadn't realized he was following me. He took my arm and turned me to face him. “I am truly sorry for the pain I have brought to us all.”

“I know.”

“You said you forgive me, but then you only say— ”

“I forgive the bruises. I'm not ready to forgive the pattern or that you went after Jamie or that you didn't even give us the choice until tonight,” I answered. He relaxed and nodded.

“I understand that.”

“And I forgive you for who you are,” I said, shrugging. “I'm here, aren't I?”

“I am grateful,” he whispered and rested his forehead against mine. “Ich liebe dich.”

“I love you, too. Now I have to get ready for your apology gift.”

“I will further apologize by laying out your suit,” he said, and I snorted.

“I know that's a sneaky way of making sure I'm dressed up enough, but honestly, I actually do appreciate it, so thank you,” I said before kissing him. He pulled back faster than I expected, and then I remembered that I'd busted his mouth. I sighed and touched his jaw gently. “Do you forgive me?”

“Of course. You were only defending yourself,” he said and mirrored the touch on my face. “I long for a night when this ends. I truly do.”

“You and me both,” I said. “I'm not the one in the driver's seat for this ride, though.”

“As you say.” He kissed me one more time before stepping back to let me move on. There was a lot of moving on to be done tonight.

LH Short Story: Am I the Asshole

Lost Humanity Short Story

This story is provided for free by H.S. Kallinger as part of the Lost Humanity universe.
Timing: Hotel of Lost Souls, of which, this sums up most of the first half
Content Warnings: angst, mention of rape, sexual assault, domestic abuse, police mention, controlling behavior, antagonist perspective
Author Note: This was a writing exercise challenge for antagonists. This was my best candidate, but it's more suited for r/relationships than r/amitheasshole. It breaks multiple AITA forum rules and would be deleted (no relationships, no revenge stories, too verbose). But the narrator likes breaking rules...

Am I the Asshole if I kept my SOs from their family while taking revenge on my abusive ex?

I have been in a LTR with the... president of our.. company. It was not originally ours. Backstory: The founder began making changes to the company that no one liked. Multiple grievances were filed by employees. However, he continued restricting privileges, increasing discipline with rules that he created and no one signed up with, and generally making the environment hostile. My significant other and I decided that if it was so hostile, a hostile takeover was warranted. We agreed to take power together as equals. CEOs. When we succeeded in our coup, he declared himself president while I was not there and made me VP. As I was still high up, I grudgingly allowed it. Otherwise, I would have had to challenge him right there, and I would appear greedy. I loved him. I ended up with the lion's share of responsibility, not the promised equality.

He changed. It was subtle and slow. He became controlling and... I must admit, abusive, at home. Dissatisfied with both my work and home life, I left him. He made grandiose gestures to woo me back, promising things would be better. I came back.

They were better on the surface alone. He showed signs of trust issues, fear of abandonment, and I blamed myself. I had left; I had instilled these issues within his heart. Still, things soured. Finally, aware that I could not fix the rift between us, I left again.

He chased me down and brought me back by force. He... hurt me and then apologised, wooed me again. I felt trapped, but I tried to make the best of it. This cycle continued until I could no longer endure it, and I left him once and for all.

He attacked me, but I fought him off and went into hiding. After I recovered from my injuries, I decided to take the business from him. In his declining behaviour, he allowed himself to become like the founder, only he favoured many employees, gave them bread and circuses to hide the damage he was doing to minorities within the company.

I began recruiting from within with the intention of another takeover. Friends were encouraging. I found even more potential employees to help.

And then I met them.

Here is where I face a dilemma.

I met three beautiful people and began dating two of them (the third, J was a lesbian, and therefore not interested in me, though she continued dating our girlfriend, S).

I kept it casual. I was not interested in another emotional relationship. The other, Z, insisted that he was straight. He only came on dates to be with S. However, I could tell he was attracted to me and made multiple moves and... pushed him into more. But he enjoyed it!

After, he tried to leave, but I convinced him to stay, to continue the dates. Or S did. I am uncertain.

Eventually, I opened up to him. I am unsure why. I only meant for things to be sexual. But he would not agree to a second time, though we did other things, which he started initiating, and all that was left was talk.

During all of this, I have paid for everything. I do not mind at all. I have money, and it should be enjoyed. But I have given them anything they ask. Entertainment systems, regular steak dinners, an extended stay room in a 5 star hotel that they use as an apartment, new clothing, pay-per-view--anything they ask.

Z argued with me constantly. He gave me little sexually. I always had S and one night stands, but I feel he has no gratitude for all I do for him. I literally saved his life when we met, pulling the three of them from a disaster scene. I have given him a place to live without the stress of work or school.

I realised that I was growing close to S and Z. It is not what I wanted. I left them for a while, their room set to autopay so that they did not suffer. I tried to forget about them. I tried to distance myself.

I went back. Z and I fought. It got physical. I left again. S had tried to make us stop. I felt terrible for her. I went back, and Z was a mess. I had not realised that he was not eating or caring for himself, his own heart breaking from my leaving. I realized I had fallen for S and Z.

I had a lot of work that kept me away off and on this whole time, so I did not think it would hurt if I left, honestly. So, I sat them down and told them what I was doing with our company, trying to take it from my ex. I did not tell them everything, just that he had betrayed me during the first takeover. Nothing else was relevant.

Shortly after, Z said he was ready to move our relationship to the next level. He got sick before we could, and then he agreed to seduce someone onto our side, an ex-lover of mine. I was too busy for our date in the meantime. After, the ex agreed to join my side, vote for me, but Z wanted to have sex with me, and I could not stand the thought right after...

He realised why I was saying no and yelled at me to leave, pushed me out the door. I left and returned to work. It was time for everything I'd worked for to come to fruition. It took two weeks. I was victorious. I ousted my ex and fired the whole board with a vote of no confidence. I had a nightmare that something bad happened to Z and returned.

He greeted me enthusiastically, and I confessed my love. He returned it. We were finally together...

...and then the police came and arrested me on kidnapping charges because they had not contacted their families after the disaster (as I had to remain hidden for safety from my ex, which carried over to them). Even though they told the police that I had done no wrong. Their parents had pressed charges, though we are all adults!

They were dragged home while I was held, questioned, and then released because they could not truly charge me with anything. Homosexuality is no longer a crime, no matter how they may wish it still was.

But now I am left wondering if I should seek them out. I do not know their old addresses, and they never needed to learn my phone number. If their parents felt so strongly that I was a toxic influence, should I not let them go? They have also not attempted to contact me that I know of, not even to call the hotel in which they stayed.

I think of how sick Z got when I left only a short time.

I do not wish to harm those I love, but I cannot proceed without knowing: am I the asshole?

tl;dr: I left my abusive ex with whom I ran a company we took over (and he took a higher position when we agreed to be equals). I met two new people and fell for them, but kept them from their families because I was in hiding from my ex for safety and forced one of the relationships in the beginning. I successfully took the business from my ex through scheming and manipulation (he was abusing employees). The police arrested me on false kidnapping charges when my significant others' families found them and pressed charges, but they were dropped. By then, my SOs were far away and have not contacted me. Am I the asshole?

LH Short Story: Sarah

Lost Humanity Short Story

This story is provided for free by H.S. Kallinger as part of the Lost Humanity universe.
Timing: Middle of Hotel of Lost Souls.
Content Warnings: angst, mention of sex work, domestic abuse, possessive behavior, police mention, bad driving, controlling behavior, ableist language

Sarah

My stomach growled. Again. I was so sick of tonight. I glanced back again, but Zack's bench was out of sight now. My heart twisted. He was in such poor shape. Should we have come? Maybe we should have waited another week or two for him to get stronger.

No, further back. I shouldn't have let his mom drag him out of the police station. I should have chased after him. Everything had just been happening so fast, my head spinning with shock. I'd defaulted to just doing what Dad told me. If I'd just refused to let our parents separate us, maybe we could have stayed as a united front.

And what? Where would we have stayed? Lukas had been taken to jail, the hotel closed for a week for the investigation. But there were vampires on our side that hadn't lived there. If I asked around, maybe I could have found Mathias. That was his name, right? Yeah. I'd spent six hours mixed in with his pets, gathering info. He was totally on our side, and he had space to house the three of us.

Shit. We should have gone there instead of wandering around trying to find Lukas! Ugh. I kicked the back of my own foot in frustration.

“What?” Jamie asked me. I shrugged and didn't look at her. I didn't want to see the dark circles under her pretty eyes. That was my fault, too. She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me. Tears started stinging my eyes, and my chest got tighter.

“I just thought of someone we could have looked up that could have helped us find Lukas faster,” I said.

“Who?” Jamie asked.

“Just someone I met doing stuff for Lukas,” I muttered, trying to be vague.

“Someone you slept with for him,” she muttered back. Dammit. Vague was too obvious. That was stupid of me.

“He had a really nice house. A big one. With beds. I want a bed,” I replied as my back throbbed miserably from sleeping outside. Thinking of that reminded me of how much my arm hurt where it was sunburned. Stupid sun. Horrible thing. Nothing but a blazing ball of fiery death waiting to burn us all. I won't miss it when I become a vampire. Not one bit.

“Hopefully Lukas will have one—because he's here,” Jamie said. I jerked my head up and followed her gaze to the familiar blue Mercedes parked out front.

A flood of energy poured through me, pushing me into a run. That figure wearing a black t-shirt, bluejeans and black leather Doc Martens standing against the wall next to the door—it was familiar, too. My vision disappeared, drowned by the tears pouring out of my eyes, but I didn't stop running until I slammed into the not-quite-warm-enough chest I had been aiming for.

“Sarah.” His voice sent a shiver down my spine. That wonderful baritone that I had missed so much I thought it would kill me. I clutched at his shirt and cried.

“Lukas,” I gasped. “Lukas, Lukas, Lukas.”

“Sarah. My Sarah,” he said and bent down to lift me up in a tight hug that squished a squeak out of me. I wrapped my legs around his waist and buried my face in his shoulder. His arms relaxed enough to hold me and keep me safe. My heart raced painfully. How could I have ever let anyone take me out of these arms?

After a few minutes, I had to relax my legs and let him set me back down on the sidewalk. I still couldn't bear to look at his face. I was afraid of what I'd see. Did he hate us for failing to protect him? For allowing ourselves to be taken? For waiting so long to come back? I opened my mouth to apologize, but he spoke sooner.

“I love you, Sarah. I am so sorry that I was taken so senselessly and could not stop them from stealing you away,” he whispered. His breath against my neck made me shudder and tilt my head to offer him access while more tears flowed and my heart raced at his words. Love. He loves me.

“I love you, too,” I finally confessed. I'd nearly said it to him so many times over the last several months. I didn't want to scare him, though. Guys could be weird about that. I'd said it to Zack, but I didn't think he realized that I meant it romantically. Zack! We needed to go get him!

“Where is Zack?” Lukas asked, reading my mind. “And hello, Jamie.”

“Hi. We left him on a bench a couple blocks back,” Jamie answered. “He kept falling, and I was afraid he was going to hurt himself.”

“Falling?” Lukas repeated.

“He's in bad shape,” Jamie confirmed. “Really bad shape.”

“He's starved half to death. When we went to get him in Ohio, he was—but he said that he was okay to make the trip, and someone stole our bag with food, which he couldn't afford to lose, and we've been sleeping on the streets, but we came back, and I'm so sorry they took us. I should have fought harder, but I don't know how I could have, and I wish I'd known you were there and to hide you, and I love you so much and missed you and Zack. We need to get back to him,” I said, trying to cover everything.

“Agreed,” Lukas said as he stepped away from the wall. His arm pulled me along with him to the car. I slid into the passenger seat while Jamie climbed into the back.

We tossed our bags on Zack's seat and buckled up as Lukas threw the car into reverse. As soon as the car confirmed we were buckled, he pulled out of the spot—faster than he should have—and followed our directions back to the bench. He did a U-turn to get to the right side of the road, drove back to the bench and pulled over. There was a strange woman with brown hair sitting in Zack's spot.

“Excuse me,” Lukas called out his window. “Have you seen a young man with black hair and blue eyes?”

“Yeah,” she said and stood up to walk over to us. “I was waiting for you to tell you that he's at the hospital. My husband hit him with our car. The ambulance just left a minute ago, and they said they were going to University of Miami Hospital. My husband went with him to make sure he's okay. He passed out. I'm so sorry. He said he had friends, and I was waiting to give them a ride.”

“Thank you for the information,” Lukas said. She nodded as he rolled up his window and pulled back out into traffic.

He lead-footed the gas, nearly sideswiping a truck that swerved away, honking angrily. I turned back to look at his face. His mouth was set in a hard line, and little stress lines had appeared under his eyes. I put my hand on his knee to remind him that he wasn't alone. His face relaxed a little, and he put his cool hand over mine.

I had almost forgotten how beautiful his face was. His full, soft, kissable lips, not-completely-straight nose, startlingly bright blue eyes and shaggy straw and Naples yellow hair drew my eye. I wanted to touch his face, but I didn't want to distract him when he was already driving so erratically. Plus, I didn't want to stop with his face. I wanted to touch every part of him until I could believe that he really still wanted me.

“Will you please tell me who just texted me?” Lukas asked when his phone vibrated. I reached over with the hand he wasn't holding to pick up and turn on his phone.

“SJ,” I read.

“What does it say?”

“It's in Italian,” I answered.

“Do your best.”

“'Tutto bene per le prossime ventiquattro ore,'” I read, hoping I didn't butcher it too much.

“Something for the next twenty-four hours?” Jamie murmured in the back seat.

“It was a check-in,” Lukas said. “He said that he feels we are all clear for the next twenty-four hours, yes. Do you speak some Italian, or was it that similar to Spanish?”

“The latter,” Jamie answered. “All clear on what?”

“Do not concern yourself,” Lukas replied. He started to lift his hand, and I quickly flipped mine to lace our fingers together. He relaxed again.

“Okay,” Jamie replied. Her tone was neutral, but I knew she hated when he answered like that. I was content not to know unless he wanted me to. The less I knew, the less lying I had to do if the police picked us up again. Of course, it would be nice if he would learn he could trust us. Time. We'd get there in time. I knew we would.

“Are you okay to wait to eat until after we find Zack?” Lukas asked me. Embarrassed, I put my right arm across my noisy stomach.

“I'll be fine,” I answered.

“Same here,” Jamie replied.

“I want to make sure Zack's okay,” I said, suddenly processing what was going on. Hit by a car. Oh, fuck, he was hit by a car! How bad was it? The woman had seemed a little nervous, but mostly calm, so I hadn't really thought about what she'd said. He passed out? Or was she sugar coating it? Lukas's fingers tightened between mine.

“We are almost there,” Lukas said. “It is not far to several fast food chains, but if you can bear with it, I wish to see Zack as soon as possible. If he was unconscious when he arrived, we may have a problem getting in to see him. Jamie, we will say that you are his sister.”

“I look more like your sister than his,” Jamie said, “but okay.”

“I'll be his fiancée so it's not weird if I kiss him,” Sarah said. “What about you? You gonna be his brother?”

“No, I am his vampire. He is my pet,” Lukas answered.

“Do hospitals respect that?” Jamie asked.

“Yes,” Lukas replied. “If he were truly my pet, he would have already given me medical power of attorney. I know how to get around that, though. Do not worry. I have had to do this before. I will not be able to make decisions for him, but they will let us in. Here.”

Lukas reached over to the glove compartment and popped it open as we stopped at a red light. He fished around until he found a small metal box and pulled it out. He unlocked the combination and handed it to me.

“Find one that fits,” he instructed. I opened it. It was full of rings, earrings and some fake magnetic piercing jewelry. I pulled out the two rings that looked like women's engagement rings and tried them both on. The second was a closer fit, so I left it.

“Any particular reason you have a box of rings?” I asked. He didn't answer, but I hadn't expected one. I put the box back. A few minutes later, we pulled into the ER parking lot. He parked. I opened the door to get out, but he didn't move. I looked back at him. He was lost in thought. He turned his head a little toward me but didn't meet my eyes.

“It is mostly liquid assets, but that one... it has sentimental value. Please do not lose it,” he answered. I started at him, wide-eyed. I wasn't sure if I was more surprised that he had answered or that he carried around a box with sentimental jewelry. It didn't seem very much like him. Or maybe it was just a symptom of not knowing him as well as I'd like.

“Are we your pets now?” I asked.

“I do not know,” he said as he got out of the car on his side. Jamie and I followed behind. I had to jog to keep up with his long, quick strides.

Ten minutes later, we were back outside. Jamie's arm was around me, and she was trying to get me to calm down. I couldn't. Zack was tired when I last saw him, but he hadn't been fighting for his life. They couldn't give us much information, except that doctors were working on saving him.

“Where are we going?” Jamie asked softly. Lukas had stopped to stare up at the sky. He was still as a statue. He gave himself a little shake and started walking back toward the car. I kept up easily now. His calm was infecting me, and I was able to stop crying for the most part.

“You need to eat,” Lukas said quietly.

“I can't,” I negated. No way could I force myself to eat like this. Just the thought of food made me sick.

“You can, and you will,” Lukas replied dispassionately. “But we are not getting fast food. There is a vampire club under a mile away that has a restaurant for donors. We will all eat. It will kill time in a productive way.”

“What if he dies while we're gone?” I asked without thinking.

“What purpose will being there serve? If he is to die, he will die. We cannot even sit with him as it happens. I will not sit uselessly in the waiting room for bad news.” If Lukas cared at all, I couldn't tell from his tone. I wanted to demand to know if he did, but I knew it was a waste of breath. I'd either piss him off or hurt his feelings. Besides, I believed he was upset, too, and refusing to show it. He was being strong for us. Probably because I was a mess.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. He nodded and pulled out his key fob to unlock the car.

“Perhaps you will have more hope after eating,” he said softly. I got into the passenger seat and buckled in. A part of me wanted to argue that my hunger had nothing to do with my hope, but I stayed quiet. That was usually the best response with Lukas. I'd seen him punish Zack enough for not just shutting up.

We pulled up in front of a shiny building with the word 'Systole' scrawled in blue neon cursive large enough to be seen from anywhere on the street. We somehow managed to score a spot right in front of the doors. I got out and waited for Lukas to precede us inside. Jamie held my hand on the way inside. She knew to be quiet, too.

“Good evening. Bringing your own donors?” the vampire at the register greeted Lukas.

“No, I will be hunting. They will be having lunch,” Lukas answered.

“That's twenty-five,” he said. Then his forehead wrinkled. “Although...”

“It is fine,” Lukas said, handing over a debit card. “I do not desire preferential treatment.”

“Yes, sir,” the other vampire said as he relaxed and scanned the card. Lukas signed the digital signature pad. The other vampire smiled and handed him back his card. “Good hunting.”

“Thank you,” Lukas said. We followed him into the club.

Tables and chairs were set up under two huge, spread out LED chandeliers that rained down glowing drops, frozen in time and space and mixed with silver drops that reflected the soft light. The chairs were wide with high, padded backs and filled with vampires and humans pairing off or watching for one another. At the back of the room, there was an empty stage with slumbering lights and speakers big enough to fill the room with music you could almost touch.

“Would you prefer that I bring my food to a shared table or eat elsewhere?” Lukas asked as he pulled out a chair at a corner table. He looked expectantly at me, and I hurried over to sit in it.

He pulled out the next one for Jamie as I mulled over the question. I'd seen him feed on other people when we were visiting his political contacts, but I had always had some task to distract me. Well, I might as well get used to it. It was just frustrating because I wasn't cleared to feed him by a doctor yet, so who knew when or if I'd get to do it again?

“Um, if you get a guy, bring him back, but if it's a girl, spare me?” I requested. Lukas gave me a small smile and a nod.

“Order whatever you like. Recover from your ordeal.” Lukas looked at Jamie, who had pulled out what looked like coasters from a stack in the middle of the table. “Those are donor markers. Do not put any down. You are mine, and you will feed no one but me unless I say otherwise. Their meaning is written on them if you are curious, though.”

“Okay,” Jamie said, turning over a red one to read it. I looked over her shoulder and read the circles as Lukas walked away toward the back of the club, my heart thudding happily that I was still his. We had just finished going through them when a waiter brought us menus. I made Jamie order for me because everything looked both amazing and awful at the same time. I couldn't stand the thought of eating when Zack...

“Hey, quit that,” Jamie said when she caught me trying to hide that I was wiping my eyes again. “He's going to be okay. We didn't go through all of this to lose him now. He's a survivor. Don't give up hope.”

“He should be sitting next to me,” I said, glancing sadly at the empty chair. Jamie sighed and rubbed circles on my back.

“If you two hadn't been so stubborn about Lukas, we could have all been together back in Ohio somehow,” she grumbled.

“Except Dad did everything he could to keep us apart,” I grumbled back.

“And we got around that. Once we found him, that was that. You're twenty-five years old. He can't dictate who you do or don't date.” Jamie had arranged the donor markers in as close to a color fade as she could manage. Black, brown, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink, white. Now she was trying to make them line up in a perfect stack.

“You really don't mind me dating Zack?” I asked. We had to stop talking for the waiter to take down our orders. I didn't pay attention to what Jamie picked for me. I didn't want to think about it. The waiter walked away.

“No. No, I don't. I mind Lukas. But Zack? Please keep him, marry him, and we can be one, big happy family.” She side eyed the stack, but I didn't see any circles out of order.

“Marry him? I haven't even had sex with him,” I said. “And now—”

“Now you'll have to wait a little longer because I'm pretty sure he's not going to be up for much after being hit by a car,” she interrupted me. “It will crack me the hell up if he makes you wait for marriage.”

“Like I'd do that,” I said, rolling my eyes. “He had sex with Lukas. It's not marriage he's waiting for. Maybe he just doesn't like me.”

“That's the stupidest thing you've said all night, and you've been actively trying.” Jamie grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Sweetie, he's in love with you. It's in his eyes every time he looks at you. I don't know what he's waiting for, but maybe he just didn't want to do it while we were in the hotel. Maybe he was afraid that was taking advantage of you. He's the kind of guy to think of that, and that's why I like him.”

“But he's in love with Lukas. What if he can't love more than one person at a time like I can?” I asked. Jamie pulled me over to rest my head on her shoulder. It felt nice to snuggle up to her, and I squirmed in my chair until I got comfortable.

“I genuinely don't believe you need to worry about that. I think it's my rotten luck that you got the both of them to fall in love with you,” she told me.

“Sorry,” I whimpered, my eyes stinging as tears returned to them.

“Good. You should be. You're supposed to be mine,” Jamie said as she wrapped her arm around me and hugged me tighter. “I'll let Lukas go because of the whole kidnapping thing. I'll let Zack go because of all the guys you've ever dated, he's the only one I approve of. Which means I've let them both go, and I accept that I'm stuck with them. I just really hope Lukas is done beating me.”

“He stopped hitting you a while ago. Zack's the one that kept pissing him off.”

“Which is why I can have hope that it's over,” Jamie said. I closed my eyes, suddenly exhausted. I felt like I'd run a marathon and ended it by smacking into a brick wall. Everything ached from sleeping outside on the concrete. My arm was hot and sore. I just wanted to find a real bed and take a nap... “Hey, don't fall asleep yet.”

“But you're comfy,” I protested.

“Food is coming.”

“I'm not hungry.”

“Like hell you're not.”

“I just want to go to sleep until Zack can have visitors,” I pleaded. Jamie hugged me.

“Lukas brought back his dinner.” Jamie finally succeeded in getting me to open my eyes and sit up.

I watched him sit down across from us with a guy whose glossy, sable hair was longer than mine. The guy's goatee was in need of a trim. Going off the rest of his face, I was guessing it was camouflaging a weak chin. It was a good look for him. I wondered if Lukas always picked attractive food or if he'd done it to cheer me up. It was no secret that I liked guy on guy action.

Lukas pulled him close, and all I could see was their hair mixed together and Lukas's hand at the back of his donor's neck. Lukas moved his head so I could see part of his face. His eyes were closed, and all the little stress lines had disappeared. His hand massaged the other guy's neck. I remembered the feeling of those fingers against my own neck and wished I was in his lap instead.

“Mind if I sit down?” A man's voice drew my attention away from Lukas. The owner had small, chestnut brown eyes that were around the same shade as his fuzzy eyebrows and the messy spiral curls growing out of his head in every direction. His nose and chin were a bit too wide and round.

Still, I wanted to touch his hair to find out if it was coarse or soft. Many of the spirals were that much-sought after curl I could never get to stay in my hair. His thin lips had a perfect cupid's bow that stayed even when he flashed a brilliant grin at me that showed his fangs. Lukas gestured at the remaining seat.

“Sarah and Jamie, yes?” he asked as he sat down.

“Yeah,” I confirmed. Jamie nodded next to me.

“I'm Niccolo. You can call me Nicky,” he said and held out his hand to me. I shook it, and he did the same with Jamie. His skin was warm. He had an Italian-Brooklyn accent that took me right back to the two weeks I'd spent seeing New York before going to Europe. “He finally found you, huh? I dunno what woulda happened if he'd come back without you. He's been pretty down about losin' you guys.”

“Well, we aren't all here,” I said. A pang of loss twisted my heart. The waiter reappeared right then and set down a bowl of soup in front of me. I glared at it. I didn't want to eat.

“Yeah, Lukas told me about the accident,” Nicky said. “That not what you ordered?”

“It's what I ordered for her,” Jamie said. “She seems to think a hunger strike will get Zack better faster.”

“When did Lukas tell you?” I asked. I picked up my spoon and poked a piece of kale down into the creamy soup.

“He texted me about that and about coming here when you were all at the hospital,” Nicky answered.

“Are you not going to eat?” Lukas asked as he settled his donor against his shoulder. The guy was shaking and trying to catch his breath. Dammit. I'd missed the best parts. I forced myself to take a bite of the soup. I didn't notice what it tasted like as I chewed mechanically.

“I'd just finished when you texted,” Nicky replied. “You wanna stay with me today?”

“No, I—” Lukas looked at me and Jamie and then switched to Italian. He and Nicky conversed in it fluidly. I couldn't understand a word of it, but I was transfixed as I listened. Nicky's voice was beautiful in what I was assuming was his native language. I'd heard Lukas speak it before and always thought it was pretty, but together, they were captivating.

“If that's all, then I'll be going home,” Nicky said after Lukas said good-bye to his donor. “Glad you found them. I hope your missing one wakes up soon.”

“Thank you, Niccolo,” Lukas said and nodded to him.

“We still have too much cleanup for you to be so distracted,” Nicky said as he stood up. Lukas shot him a warning look, but Nicky just smirked and waved. “G'night, ladies.”

“Night,” I said. Jamie raised her hand in a small wave. Lukas nudged the bowl of bread toward me. Jamie had eaten half of it.

“Eat.” His voice brooked no argument. I reluctantly took a slice and munched on it before forcing down the rest of my soup. Jamie was already done with her dinner. Lukas pulled out his phone and used it until I was done and pushed my bowl away. He had paid while I was still eating. “Do you want dessert?”

“No,” I said, emphatically.

“I'm fine,” Jamie answered.

“Good. Then we will get a room to stay in nearby. The hotel close to the hospital requires vampire check in by midnight, so we need to leave soon.” Lukas stood up, and we followed him.

“We're not staying in your hotel?” Jamie asked. Lukas shook his head.

“I prefer to stay close to the hospital. That way, you will be able to walk there when you wake up today,” Lukas explained.

“Are we going to go back to the hospital to see how he's doing tonight?” I asked.

“I will,” he said. “If anything changes, I will come get you immediately.”

“What? You can't expect us to—”

“Rest and recover in your room? Indeed I can,” Lukas interrupted me. “You are burned from the sun, dirty and clearly exhausted. You will miss nothing. Either he is awake, and I will return to collect you within minutes, or he is not, and you will not have to waste what little energy you have left on the trip.”

He opened the car door for me, and I sat down. I wasn't happy. I didn't have a single argument for his points, but I didn't want to just go sit in a room and do nothing but worry. It wasn't fair. I clenched my teeth, eyes and fists. Fingers brushed against my jaw, and I shook, so angry and sad that I couldn't trust myself to say a word. Lukas sighed next to me. I unclenched the best I could and buckled in before he had to tell me.

It wasn't long before we were in a hotel suite that had two queen beds in a room to the right of the common area. It was tiny compared to our old hotel home. Lukas had carried our bags up and set them on the couch. I walked over to the door to the bathroom and stared in at the too-bright room.

“Treat this as your room before,” Lukas said. “You have no restrictions, but I want you to stay in here and rest until I return.”

“Isn't that a restriction?” I asked because Zack would have. The pain in my heart was drowning out my reason.

“It is a request,” he answered softly from behind me. His arms wrapped around my shoulders, and I grabbed hold of them. I shook from the force of holding back the crying fit I needed. “At the very least, clean up. I will not be gone long. I am going to stop and get you medicine for that burn.”

“You don't have to.”

“I do. And you must apply it and heal.” He stepped back and forced me to turn around. I wanted to refuse to look at him. I didn't trust myself not to break down. It wasn't time yet. But I couldn't. His eyes drew mine into their light, holding me in place. My pain receded when his hand cupped my face. He leaned down to touch our foreheads and noses together. “Bitte, Bärchen. Für mich. Ich liebe dich. Let me take what little pain I can from you.”

I didn't understand the Bärchen part, but I knew everything else he'd said. I wanted to cry and let him have it all, but instead, I gave him a small smile, the best I could manage. He smiled back.

“Ich liebe dich, too,” I said, making him chuckle. “Fine. Je t'aime.”

“Je t'aime aussi,” he replied. He kissed my forehead and straightened up. “A plus tard.”

“Be quick,” I said, pulling him back down to kiss. He kissed me with a sudden passion, and for a minute, I forgot everything that was wrong. He pulled away without another word and crossed the room in a few long strides. Then he was gone.

Jamie was curled up on the couch, staring at me. I wondered if she was stressed over Lukas, Zack or both. No, her mouth was relaxed enough to be open a little. She wasn't staring in stress, she was confused or thinking something over.

“Do you want the shower first or together?” I asked. She blinked rapidly and stood up.

“Together,” she answered as she pulled off her shirt. I watched the living art that was my Jamie as she stripped thoughtlessly. I realized what she'd said and pulled my own clothes off, dropping them on the floor as I followed her. She hung hers up on the hooks, as usual. I wanted nothing more in that moment than for Zack to wake up. I had expected it to be making love with Jamie, but the thought that he might die while I was... I couldn't. I needed it, terribly, and I couldn't bear it at all.

I did feel better after the shower. However, coming out to find Lukas not there destroyed all the peace of mind I might have had. His presence was dictated by Zack's state of consciousness. Not here meant Zack was still lost, still fighting, still far away.

I stomped over to my sketchbook and yanked it out. I dug around until I found a pencil and opened to a blank sheet so I could scribble out my feelings. Dark, dark. I dragged the edge of the pencil back and forth at the corners to give me the darkness I needed before I started working on the figure at the center, alone, clutching their hair, curled up and in pain as the darkness closed in. Darker, darker. I smudged the pencil around, bringing it down to cover the very edges of the form.

Even more unhappy, I flipped to the next page and closed my eyes, bringing to mind every last detail of Zack that I could. I started sketching him, not happy with how wide his mouth came out or the curve of his chin. I erased and fixed and drew until he was staring back up at me blankly. No. That wasn't what I wanted.

I erased his face and started over. Looking up, back. Lips parted. I put Lukas behind him, wrapping him up in the hug I'd just gotten. Wake up, Zack. Wake up. Lukas' face wouldn't cooperate, so I drew his hair over it. Healthy Zack who could donate again. I redrew it so Lukas was biting him, his hair obscuring most of it. Wake up. Wake up. Zack.

I flipped the page and sketched out a threesome between Lukas, Zack and me with me in the middle. I did a crappy little comic style first to figure out the positioning, the anatomy. I was working on a bigger version when the door lock thunked. It didn't beep like our door. How annoying. The thunk was so much louder than the click, too. Rude.

I closed my sketchbook and stared at the cover. I felt Lukas approach and refused to look up. He held out a plastic bag in my line of sight, so I turned my head away. It wasn't Zack. I didn't want it. Lukas didn't say anything; he just picked me up and carried me in to the bed. I dropped my sketchbook where I'd been sitting. I wondered if he was going to punish me. I didn't care. Everything we'd done was for us to all be together. All of us. And now Zack was dying.

Lukas kissed my hair before he rocked me in his arms. The sob I'd been choking on came out, and I turned to cry against his chest.

“I know,” he said softly. He repeated it several times as he stroked my hair and rocked slightly. He murmured in French, “Please let me care for you, my love. I can do nothing for him. Let me at least have you.”

I nodded, and he set me on the bed. I was wearing nothing but a towel, so it was easy for him to put the cerulean goo on my burned skin. The lidocaine in the aloe went to work right away, stealing the pain. As it faded, so did the pain in my chest until I was thoroughly numb. I watched his eyes as he worked. I missed his face so much. I took it in my hands and held it still. He looked at me questioningly. I had no answers. I just wanted to look at him. I slid my hands down to cup his face. Our skin was about the same color, except where mine was burned.

He had permanent bags under his deep set eyes. They weren't dark, just puffy. Not tired, just their shape. His nose was ever so slightly off to the left—his right—but it was otherwise straight and long, with close nostrils. His eyebrows were gentle arches that thinned when the light hit them, making the blond vanish and leaving mostly shadows. They almost turned up, almost looked worried, but somehow managed not to. His lips were of equal thickness, his upper lip slightly thinner on his left, my right. The shadow of his stubble was darker than it seemed it should be for how light the rest of his hair was. I memorized all the shapes, following and filling them so I could reproduce it next time I tried. I hated that I'd been unable to earlier.

“You are even more beautiful than I remember,” he whispered, still speaking French.

“I didn't even have a picture of you,” I cried, the numbness vanishing to fill me with pain again. All those weeks without him. It wasn't a long time, but it felt like forever. It wasn't not having him but the thought that I might never see him again that had hurt me so much. And now Zack... I'd just gotten him back...

I buried my face against Lukas and cried again.

“I will bring you a photograph as soon as I can. I am sorry that our reunion is tainted so. We will be together again, believe in it. Believe that he will awaken, as I do.” He lay back and took me with him, arranging me to lie on his chest. I realized I was going to cry myself to sleep if I let him, but I suddenly didn't have the energy to fight any longer. My last thought before sleep won was that I was still wearing his ring.