This story is provided for free by H.S. Kallinger as part of the Lost Humanity universe.
Timing: Middle of Hotel of Lost Souls.
Content Warnings: angst, mention of sex work, domestic abuse, possessive behavior, police mention, bad driving, controlling behavior, ableist language
Sarah
My
stomach growled. Again. I was so sick of tonight. I glanced back
again, but Zack's bench was out of sight now. My heart twisted. He
was in such poor shape. Should we have come? Maybe we should have
waited another week or two for him to get stronger.
No,
further back. I shouldn't have let his mom drag him out of the police
station. I should have chased after him. Everything had just been
happening so fast, my head spinning with shock. I'd defaulted to just
doing what Dad told me. If I'd just refused to let our parents
separate us, maybe we could have stayed as a united front.
And
what? Where would we have stayed? Lukas had been taken to jail, the
hotel closed for a week for the investigation. But there were
vampires on our side that hadn't lived there. If I asked around,
maybe I could have found Mathias.
That was his name, right? Yeah. I'd spent six hours mixed in with his
pets, gathering info. He was totally on our side, and he had space to
house the three of us.
Shit.
We should have gone there instead of wandering around trying to find
Lukas! Ugh. I kicked the back of my own foot in frustration.
“What?”
Jamie asked me. I shrugged and didn't look at her. I didn't want to
see the dark circles under her pretty eyes. That was my fault, too.
She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me. Tears started stinging my
eyes, and my chest got tighter.
“I
just thought of someone we could have looked up that could have
helped us find Lukas faster,” I said.
“Who?”
Jamie asked.
“Just
someone I met doing stuff for Lukas,” I muttered, trying to be
vague.
“Someone
you slept with for him,” she muttered back. Dammit. Vague was too
obvious. That was stupid of me.
“He
had a really nice house. A big one. With beds. I want a bed,” I
replied as my back throbbed miserably from sleeping outside. Thinking
of that reminded me of how much my arm hurt where it was sunburned.
Stupid sun. Horrible thing. Nothing but a blazing ball of fiery death
waiting to burn us all. I won't miss it when I become a vampire. Not
one bit.
“Hopefully
Lukas will have one—because he's here,” Jamie said. I jerked my
head up and followed her gaze to the familiar blue Mercedes parked
out front.
A
flood of energy poured through me, pushing me into a run. That figure
wearing a black t-shirt, bluejeans and black leather Doc Martens
standing against the wall next to the door—it was familiar, too. My
vision disappeared, drowned by the tears pouring out of my eyes, but
I didn't stop running until I slammed into the not-quite-warm-enough
chest I had been aiming for.
“Sarah.”
His voice sent a shiver down my spine. That wonderful baritone that I
had missed so much I thought it would kill me. I clutched at his
shirt and cried.
“Lukas,”
I gasped. “Lukas, Lukas, Lukas.”
“Sarah.
My Sarah,” he said and bent down to lift me up in a tight hug that
squished a squeak out of me. I wrapped my legs around his waist and
buried my face in his shoulder. His arms relaxed enough to hold me
and keep me safe. My heart raced painfully. How could I have ever let
anyone take me out of these arms?
After
a few minutes, I had to relax my legs and let him set me back down on
the sidewalk. I still couldn't bear to look at his face. I was afraid
of what I'd see. Did he hate us for failing to protect him? For
allowing ourselves to be taken? For waiting so long to come back? I
opened my mouth to apologize, but he spoke sooner.
“I
love you, Sarah. I am so sorry that I was taken so senselessly and
could not stop them from stealing you away,” he whispered. His
breath against my neck made me shudder and tilt my head to offer him
access while more tears flowed and my heart raced at his words. Love.
He loves me.
“I
love you, too,” I finally confessed. I'd nearly said it to him so
many times over the last several months. I didn't want to scare him,
though. Guys could be weird about that. I'd said it to Zack, but I
didn't think he realized that I meant it romantically. Zack! We
needed to go get him!
“Where
is Zack?” Lukas asked, reading my mind. “And hello, Jamie.”
“Hi.
We left him on a bench a couple blocks back,” Jamie answered. “He
kept falling, and I was afraid he was going to hurt himself.”
“Falling?”
Lukas repeated.
“He's
in bad shape,” Jamie confirmed. “Really bad shape.”
“He's
starved half to death. When we went to get him in Ohio, he was—but
he said that he was okay to make the trip, and someone stole our bag
with food, which he couldn't afford to lose, and we've been sleeping
on the streets, but we came back, and I'm so sorry they took us. I
should have fought harder, but I don't know how I could have, and I
wish I'd known you were there and to hide you, and I love you so much
and missed you and Zack. We need to get back to him,” I said,
trying to cover everything.
“Agreed,”
Lukas said as he stepped away from the wall. His arm pulled me along
with him to the car. I slid into the passenger seat while Jamie
climbed into the back.
We
tossed our bags on Zack's seat and buckled up as Lukas threw the car
into reverse. As soon as the car confirmed we were buckled, he pulled
out of the spot—faster than he should have—and followed our
directions back to the bench. He did a U-turn to get to the right
side of the road, drove back to the bench and pulled over. There was
a strange woman with brown hair sitting in Zack's spot.
“Excuse
me,” Lukas called out his window. “Have you seen a young man with
black hair and blue eyes?”
“Yeah,”
she said and stood up to walk over to us. “I was waiting for you to
tell you that he's at the hospital. My husband hit him with our car.
The ambulance just left a minute ago, and they said they were going
to University of Miami Hospital. My husband went with him to make
sure he's okay. He passed out. I'm so sorry. He said he had friends,
and I was waiting to give them a ride.”
“Thank
you for the information,” Lukas said. She nodded as he rolled up
his window and pulled back out into traffic.
He
lead-footed the gas, nearly sideswiping a truck that swerved away,
honking angrily. I turned back to look at his face. His mouth was set
in a hard line, and little stress lines had appeared under his eyes.
I put my hand on his knee to remind him that he wasn't alone. His
face relaxed a little, and he put his cool hand over mine.
I
had almost forgotten how beautiful his face was. His full, soft,
kissable lips, not-completely-straight nose, startlingly bright blue
eyes and shaggy straw and Naples yellow hair drew my eye. I wanted to
touch his face, but I didn't want to distract him when he was already
driving so erratically. Plus, I didn't want to stop with his face. I
wanted to touch every part of him until I could believe that he
really still wanted me.
“Will
you please tell me who just texted me?” Lukas asked when his phone
vibrated. I reached over with the hand he wasn't holding to pick up
and turn on his phone.
“SJ,”
I read.
“What
does it say?”
“It's
in Italian,” I answered.
“Do
your best.”
“'Tutto
bene per le prossime ventiquattro ore,'”
I read, hoping I didn't butcher it too much.
“Something
for the next twenty-four hours?” Jamie murmured in the back seat.
“It
was a check-in,” Lukas said. “He said that he feels we are all
clear for the next twenty-four hours, yes. Do you speak some Italian,
or was it that similar to Spanish?”
“The
latter,” Jamie answered. “All clear on what?”
“Do
not concern yourself,” Lukas replied. He started to lift his hand,
and I quickly flipped mine to lace our fingers together. He relaxed
again.
“Okay,”
Jamie replied. Her tone was neutral, but I knew she hated when he
answered like that. I was content not to know unless he wanted me to.
The less I knew, the less lying I had to do if the police picked us
up again. Of course, it would be nice if he would learn he could
trust us. Time. We'd get there in time. I knew we would.
“Are
you okay to wait to eat until after we find Zack?” Lukas asked me.
Embarrassed, I put my right arm across my noisy stomach.
“I'll
be fine,” I answered.
“Same
here,” Jamie replied.
“I
want to make sure Zack's okay,” I said, suddenly processing what
was going on. Hit by a car. Oh, fuck, he was hit
by a car!
How bad was it? The woman had seemed a little nervous, but mostly
calm, so I hadn't really thought about what she'd said. He passed
out? Or was she sugar coating it? Lukas's fingers tightened between
mine.
“We
are almost there,” Lukas said. “It is not far to several fast
food chains, but if you can bear with it, I wish to see Zack as soon
as possible. If he was unconscious when he arrived, we may have a
problem getting in to see him. Jamie, we will say that you are his
sister.”
“I
look more like your
sister than his,” Jamie said, “but okay.”
“I'll
be his fiancée so it's not weird if I kiss him,” Sarah said. “What
about you? You gonna be his brother?”
“No,
I am his vampire. He is my pet,” Lukas answered.
“Do
hospitals respect that?” Jamie asked.
“Yes,”
Lukas replied. “If he were truly my pet, he would have already
given me medical power of attorney. I know how to get around that,
though. Do not worry. I have had to do this before. I will not be
able to make decisions for him, but they will let us in. Here.”
Lukas
reached over to the glove compartment and popped it open as we
stopped at a red light. He fished around until he found a small metal
box and pulled it out. He unlocked the combination and handed it to
me.
“Find
one that fits,” he instructed. I opened it. It was full of rings,
earrings and some fake magnetic piercing jewelry. I pulled out the
two rings that looked like women's engagement rings and tried them
both on. The second was a closer fit, so I left it.
“Any
particular reason you have a box of rings?” I asked. He didn't
answer, but I hadn't expected one. I put the box back. A few minutes
later, we pulled into the ER parking lot. He parked. I opened the
door to get out, but he didn't move. I looked back at him. He was
lost in thought. He turned his head a little toward me but didn't
meet my eyes.
“It
is mostly liquid assets, but that one... it has sentimental value.
Please do not lose it,” he answered. I started at him, wide-eyed. I
wasn't sure if I was more surprised that he had answered or that he
carried around a box with sentimental jewelry. It didn't seem very
much like him. Or maybe it was just a symptom of not knowing him as
well as I'd like.
“Are
we your pets now?” I asked.
“I
do not know,” he said as he got out of the car on his side. Jamie
and I followed behind. I had to jog to keep up with his long, quick
strides.
Ten
minutes later, we were back outside. Jamie's arm was around me, and
she was trying to get me to calm down. I couldn't. Zack was tired
when I last saw him, but he hadn't been fighting for his life. They
couldn't give us much information, except that doctors were working
on saving him.
“Where
are we going?” Jamie asked softly. Lukas had stopped to stare up at
the sky. He was still as a statue. He gave himself a little shake and
started walking back toward the car. I kept up easily now. His calm
was infecting me, and I was able to stop crying for the most part.
“You
need to eat,” Lukas said quietly.
“I
can't,” I negated. No way could I force myself to eat like this.
Just the thought of food made me sick.
“You
can, and you will,” Lukas replied dispassionately. “But we are
not getting fast food. There is a vampire club under a mile away that
has a restaurant for donors. We will all eat. It will kill time in a
productive way.”
“What
if he dies while we're gone?” I asked without thinking.
“What
purpose will being there serve? If he is to die, he will die. We
cannot even sit with him as it happens. I will not sit uselessly in
the waiting room for bad news.” If Lukas cared at all, I couldn't
tell from his tone. I wanted to demand to know if he did, but I knew
it was a waste of breath. I'd either piss him off or hurt his
feelings. Besides, I believed he was upset, too, and refusing to show
it. He was being strong for us. Probably because I was a mess.
“Sorry,”
I mumbled. He nodded and pulled out his key fob to unlock the car.
“Perhaps
you will have more hope after eating,” he said softly. I got into
the passenger seat and buckled in. A part of me wanted to argue that
my hunger had nothing to do with my hope, but I stayed quiet. That
was usually the best response with Lukas. I'd seen him punish Zack
enough for not just shutting up.
We
pulled up in front of a shiny building with the word 'Systole'
scrawled in blue neon cursive large enough to be seen from anywhere
on the street. We somehow managed to score a spot right in front of
the doors. I got out and waited for Lukas to precede us inside. Jamie
held my hand on the way inside. She knew to be quiet, too.
“Good
evening. Bringing your own donors?” the vampire at the register
greeted Lukas.
“No,
I will be hunting. They will be having lunch,” Lukas answered.
“That's
twenty-five,” he said. Then his forehead wrinkled. “Although...”
“It
is fine,” Lukas said, handing over a debit card. “I do not desire
preferential treatment.”
“Yes,
sir,” the other vampire said as he relaxed and scanned the card.
Lukas signed the digital signature pad. The other vampire smiled and
handed him back his card. “Good hunting.”
“Thank
you,” Lukas said. We followed him into the club.
Tables
and chairs were set up under two huge, spread out LED chandeliers
that rained down glowing drops, frozen in time and space and mixed
with silver drops that reflected the soft light. The chairs were wide
with high, padded backs and filled with vampires and humans pairing
off or watching for one another. At the back of the room, there was
an empty stage with slumbering lights and speakers big enough to fill
the room with music you could almost touch.
“Would
you prefer that I bring my food to a shared table or eat elsewhere?”
Lukas asked as he pulled out a chair at a corner table. He looked
expectantly at me, and I hurried over to sit in it.
He
pulled out the next one for Jamie as I mulled over the question. I'd
seen him feed on other people when we were visiting his political
contacts, but I had always had some task to distract me. Well, I
might as well get used to it. It was just frustrating because I
wasn't cleared to feed him by a doctor yet, so who knew when or if
I'd get to do it again?
“Um,
if you get a guy, bring him back, but if it's a girl, spare me?” I
requested. Lukas gave me a small smile and a nod.
“Order
whatever you like. Recover from your ordeal.” Lukas looked at
Jamie, who had pulled out what looked like coasters from a stack in
the middle of the table. “Those are donor markers. Do not put any
down. You are mine, and you will feed no one but me unless I say
otherwise. Their meaning is written on them if you are curious,
though.”
“Okay,”
Jamie said, turning over a red one to read it. I looked over her
shoulder and read the circles as Lukas walked away toward the back of
the club, my heart thudding happily that I was still his. We had just
finished going through them when a waiter brought us menus. I made
Jamie order for me because everything looked both amazing and awful
at the same time. I couldn't stand the thought of eating when Zack...
“Hey,
quit that,” Jamie said when she caught me trying to hide that I was
wiping my eyes again. “He's going to be okay. We didn't go through
all of this to lose him now. He's a survivor. Don't give up hope.”
“He
should be sitting next to me,” I said, glancing sadly at the empty
chair. Jamie sighed and rubbed circles on my back.
“If
you two hadn't been so stubborn about Lukas, we could have all been
together back in Ohio somehow,” she grumbled.
“Except
Dad did everything he could to keep us apart,” I grumbled back.
“And
we got around that. Once we found him, that was that. You're
twenty-five years old. He can't dictate who you do or don't date.”
Jamie had arranged the donor markers in as close to a color fade as
she could manage. Black, brown, red, orange, yellow, green, blue,
purple, pink, white. Now she was trying to make them line up in a
perfect stack.
“You
really don't mind me dating Zack?” I asked. We had to stop talking
for the waiter to take down our orders. I didn't pay attention to
what Jamie picked for me. I didn't want to think about it. The waiter
walked away.
“No.
No, I don't. I mind Lukas. But Zack? Please keep him, marry him, and
we can be one, big happy family.” She side eyed the stack, but I
didn't see any circles out of order.
“Marry
him? I haven't even had sex with him,” I said. “And now—”
“Now
you'll have to wait a little longer because I'm pretty sure he's not
going to be up for much after being hit by a car,” she interrupted
me. “It will crack me the hell up if he makes you wait for
marriage.”
“Like
I'd do that,” I said, rolling my eyes. “He had sex with Lukas.
It's not marriage he's waiting for. Maybe he just doesn't like me.”
“That's
the stupidest thing you've said all night, and you've been actively
trying.” Jamie grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Sweetie, he's in
love with you. It's in his eyes every time he looks at you. I don't
know what he's waiting for, but maybe he just didn't want to do it
while we were in the hotel. Maybe he was afraid that was taking
advantage of you. He's the kind of guy to think of that, and that's
why I like him.”
“But
he's in love with Lukas. What if he can't love more than one person
at a time like I can?” I asked. Jamie pulled me over to rest my
head on her shoulder. It felt nice to snuggle up to her, and I
squirmed in my chair until I got comfortable.
“I
genuinely don't believe you need to worry about that. I think it's my
rotten luck that you got the both of them to fall in love with you,”
she told me.
“Sorry,”
I whimpered, my eyes stinging as tears returned to them.
“Good.
You should be. You're supposed to be mine,” Jamie said as she
wrapped her arm around me and hugged me tighter. “I'll let Lukas go
because of the whole kidnapping thing. I'll let Zack go because of
all the guys you've ever dated, he's the only one I approve of. Which
means I've let them both go, and I accept that I'm stuck with them. I
just really hope Lukas is done beating me.”
“He
stopped hitting you a while ago. Zack's the one that kept pissing him
off.”
“Which
is why I can have hope that it's over,” Jamie said. I closed my
eyes, suddenly exhausted. I felt like I'd run a marathon and ended it
by smacking into a brick wall. Everything ached from sleeping outside
on the concrete. My arm was hot and sore. I just wanted to find a
real bed and take a nap... “Hey, don't fall asleep yet.”
“But
you're comfy,” I protested.
“Food
is coming.”
“I'm
not hungry.”
“Like
hell you're not.”
“I
just want to go to sleep until Zack can have visitors,” I pleaded.
Jamie hugged me.
“Lukas
brought back his dinner.” Jamie finally succeeded in getting me to
open my eyes and sit up.
I
watched him sit down across from us with a guy whose glossy, sable
hair was longer than mine. The guy's goatee was in need of a trim.
Going off the rest of his face, I was guessing it was camouflaging a
weak chin. It was a good look for him. I wondered if Lukas always
picked attractive food or if he'd done it to cheer me up. It was no
secret that I liked guy on guy action.
Lukas
pulled him close, and all I could see was their hair mixed together
and Lukas's hand at the back of his donor's neck. Lukas moved his
head so I could see part of his face. His eyes were closed, and all
the little stress lines had disappeared. His hand massaged the other
guy's neck. I remembered the feeling of those fingers against my own
neck and wished I was in his lap instead.
“Mind
if I sit down?” A man's voice drew my attention away from Lukas.
The owner had small, chestnut brown eyes that were around the same
shade as his fuzzy eyebrows and the messy spiral curls growing out of
his head in every direction. His nose and chin were a bit too wide
and round.
Still,
I wanted to touch his hair to find out if it was coarse or soft. Many
of the spirals were that much-sought after curl I could never get to
stay in my hair. His thin lips had a perfect cupid's bow that stayed
even when he flashed a brilliant grin at me that showed his fangs.
Lukas gestured at the remaining seat.
“Sarah
and Jamie, yes?” he asked as he sat down.
“Yeah,”
I confirmed. Jamie nodded next to me.
“I'm
Niccolo. You can call me Nicky,” he said and held out his hand to
me. I shook it, and he did the same with Jamie. His skin was warm. He
had an Italian-Brooklyn accent that took me right back to the two
weeks I'd spent seeing New York before going to Europe. “He finally
found you, huh? I dunno what woulda happened if he'd come back
without you. He's been pretty down about losin' you guys.”
“Well,
we aren't all here,” I said. A pang of loss twisted my
heart. The waiter reappeared right then and set down a bowl of soup
in front of me. I glared at it. I didn't want to eat.
“Yeah,
Lukas told me about the accident,” Nicky said. “That not what you
ordered?”
“It's
what I ordered for her,” Jamie said. “She seems to think a hunger
strike will get Zack better faster.”
“When
did Lukas tell you?” I asked. I picked up my spoon and poked a
piece of kale down into the creamy soup.
“He
texted me about that and about coming here when you were all at the
hospital,” Nicky answered.
“Are
you not going to eat?” Lukas asked as he settled his donor against
his shoulder. The guy was shaking and trying to catch his breath.
Dammit. I'd missed the best parts. I forced myself to take a bite of
the soup. I didn't notice what it tasted like as I chewed
mechanically.
“I'd
just finished when you texted,” Nicky replied. “You wanna stay
with me today?”
“No,
I—” Lukas looked at me and Jamie and then switched to Italian. He
and Nicky conversed in it fluidly. I couldn't understand a word of
it, but I was transfixed as I listened. Nicky's voice was beautiful
in what I was assuming was his native language. I'd heard Lukas speak
it before and always thought it was pretty, but together, they were
captivating.
“If
that's all, then I'll be going home,” Nicky said after Lukas said
good-bye to his donor. “Glad you found them. I hope your missing
one wakes up soon.”
“Thank
you, Niccolo,” Lukas said and nodded to him.
“We
still have too much cleanup for you to be so distracted,” Nicky
said as he stood up. Lukas shot him a warning look, but Nicky just
smirked and waved. “G'night, ladies.”
“Night,”
I said. Jamie raised her hand in a small wave. Lukas nudged the bowl
of bread toward me. Jamie had eaten half of it.
“Eat.”
His voice brooked no argument. I reluctantly took a slice and munched
on it before forcing down the rest of my soup. Jamie was already done
with her dinner. Lukas pulled out his phone and used it until I was
done and pushed my bowl away. He had paid while I was still eating.
“Do you want dessert?”
“No,”
I said, emphatically.
“I'm
fine,” Jamie answered.
“Good.
Then we will get a room to stay in nearby. The hotel close to the
hospital requires vampire check in by midnight, so we need to leave
soon.” Lukas stood up, and we followed him.
“We're
not staying in your hotel?” Jamie asked. Lukas shook his head.
“I
prefer to stay close to the hospital. That way, you will be able to
walk there when you wake up today,” Lukas explained.
“Are
we going to go back to the hospital to see how he's doing tonight?”
I asked.
“I
will,” he said. “If anything changes, I will come get you
immediately.”
“What?
You can't expect us to—”
“Rest
and recover in your room? Indeed I can,” Lukas interrupted me. “You
are burned from the sun, dirty and clearly exhausted. You will miss
nothing. Either he is awake, and I will return to collect you within
minutes, or he is not, and you will not have to waste what little
energy you have left on the trip.”
He
opened the car door for me, and I sat down. I wasn't happy. I didn't
have a single argument for his points, but I didn't want to just go
sit in a room and do nothing but worry. It wasn't fair. I clenched my
teeth, eyes and fists. Fingers brushed against my jaw, and I shook,
so angry and sad that I couldn't trust myself to say a word. Lukas
sighed next to me. I unclenched the best I could and buckled in
before he had to tell me.
It
wasn't long before we were in a hotel suite that had two queen beds
in a room to the right of the common area. It was tiny compared to
our old hotel home. Lukas had carried our bags up and set them on the
couch. I walked over to the door to the bathroom and stared in at the
too-bright room.
“Treat
this as your room before,” Lukas said. “You have no restrictions,
but I want you to stay in here and rest until I return.”
“Isn't
that a restriction?” I asked because Zack would have. The pain in
my heart was drowning out my reason.
“It
is a request,” he answered softly from behind me. His arms wrapped
around my shoulders, and I grabbed hold of them. I shook from the
force of holding back the crying fit I needed. “At the very least, clean up. I will not be gone long. I am going to stop and get you
medicine for that burn.”
“You
don't have to.”
“I
do. And you must apply it and heal.” He stepped back and forced me
to turn around. I wanted to refuse to look at him. I didn't trust
myself not to break down. It wasn't time yet. But I couldn't. His
eyes drew mine into their light, holding me in place. My pain receded
when his hand cupped my face. He leaned down to touch our foreheads
and noses together. “Bitte, Bärchen. Für
mich. Ich liebe dich. Let me take what little pain
I can from you.”
I
didn't understand the Bärchen part,
but I knew everything else he'd said. I wanted to cry and let him
have it all, but instead, I gave him a small smile, the best I could
manage. He smiled back.
“Ich
liebe dich, too,” I said, making him chuckle. “Fine.
Je t'aime.”
“Je
t'aime aussi,” he replied. He kissed my forehead and
straightened up. “A plus tard.”
“Be
quick,” I said, pulling him back down to kiss. He kissed me with a
sudden passion, and for a minute, I forgot everything that was wrong.
He pulled away without another word and crossed the room in a few
long strides. Then he was gone.
Jamie
was curled up on the couch, staring at me. I wondered if she was
stressed over Lukas, Zack or both. No, her mouth was relaxed enough
to be open a little. She wasn't staring in stress, she was confused
or thinking something over.
“Do
you want the shower first or together?” I asked. She blinked
rapidly and stood up.
“Together,”
she answered as she pulled off her shirt. I watched the living art
that was my Jamie as she stripped thoughtlessly. I realized what
she'd said and pulled my own clothes off, dropping them on the floor
as I followed her. She hung hers up on the hooks, as usual. I wanted
nothing more in that moment than for Zack to wake up. I had expected
it to be making love with Jamie, but the thought that he might die
while I was... I couldn't. I needed it, terribly, and I couldn't bear
it at all.
I
did feel better after the shower. However, coming out to find Lukas
not there destroyed all the peace of mind I might have had. His
presence was dictated by Zack's state of consciousness. Not here
meant Zack was still lost, still fighting, still far away.
I
stomped over to my sketchbook and yanked it out. I dug around until I
found a pencil and opened to a blank sheet so I could scribble out my
feelings. Dark, dark. I dragged the edge of the pencil back and forth
at the corners to give me the darkness I needed before I started
working on the figure at the center, alone, clutching their hair,
curled up and in pain as the darkness closed in. Darker, darker. I
smudged the pencil around, bringing it down to cover the very edges
of the form.
Even
more unhappy, I flipped to the next page and closed my eyes, bringing
to mind every last detail of Zack that I could. I started sketching
him, not happy with how wide his mouth came out or the curve of his
chin. I erased and fixed and drew until he was staring back up at me
blankly. No. That wasn't what I wanted.
I
erased his face and started over. Looking up, back. Lips parted. I
put Lukas behind him, wrapping him up in the hug I'd just gotten.
Wake up, Zack. Wake up. Lukas' face wouldn't cooperate, so I drew his
hair over it. Healthy Zack who could donate again. I redrew it so
Lukas was biting him, his hair obscuring most of it. Wake up. Wake
up. Zack.
I
flipped the page and sketched out a threesome between Lukas, Zack and
me with me in the middle. I did a crappy little comic style first to
figure out the positioning, the anatomy. I was working on a bigger
version when the door lock thunked. It didn't beep like our door. How
annoying. The thunk was so much louder than the click, too. Rude.
I
closed my sketchbook and stared at the cover. I felt Lukas approach
and refused to look up. He held out a plastic bag in my line of
sight, so I turned my head away. It wasn't Zack. I didn't want it.
Lukas didn't say anything; he just picked me up and carried me in to
the bed. I dropped my sketchbook where I'd been sitting. I wondered
if he was going to punish me. I didn't care. Everything we'd done was
for us to all be together. All of us. And now Zack was dying.
Lukas
kissed my hair before he rocked me in his arms. The sob I'd been
choking on came out, and I turned to cry against his chest.
“I
know,” he said softly. He repeated it several times as he stroked
my hair and rocked slightly. He murmured in French, “Please let
me care for you, my love. I can do nothing for him. Let me at least
have you.”
I
nodded, and he set me on the bed. I was wearing nothing but a towel,
so it was easy for him to put the cerulean goo on my burned skin. The
lidocaine in the aloe went to work right away, stealing the pain. As
it faded, so did the pain in my chest until I was thoroughly numb. I
watched his eyes as he worked. I missed his face so much. I took it
in my hands and held it still. He looked at me questioningly. I had
no answers. I just wanted to look at him. I slid my hands down to cup
his face. Our skin was about the same color, except where mine was
burned.
He
had permanent bags under his deep set eyes. They weren't dark, just
puffy. Not tired, just their shape. His nose was ever so slightly off
to the left—his right—but it was otherwise straight and long,
with close nostrils. His eyebrows were gentle arches that thinned
when the light hit them, making the blond vanish and leaving mostly
shadows. They almost turned up, almost looked worried, but somehow
managed not to. His lips were of equal thickness, his upper lip
slightly thinner on his left, my right. The shadow of his stubble was
darker than it seemed it should be for how light the rest of his hair
was. I memorized all the shapes, following and filling them so I
could reproduce it next time I tried. I hated that I'd been unable to
earlier.
“You
are even more beautiful than I remember,” he whispered, still
speaking French.
“I
didn't even have a picture of you,” I cried, the numbness vanishing
to fill me with pain again. All those weeks without him. It wasn't a
long time, but it felt like forever. It wasn't not having him but the
thought that I might never see him again that had hurt me so much.
And now Zack... I'd just gotten him back...
I
buried my face against Lukas and cried again.
“I
will bring you a photograph as soon as I can. I am sorry that our
reunion is tainted so. We will be together again, believe in it.
Believe that he will awaken, as I do.” He lay back and took me
with him, arranging me to lie on his chest. I realized I was going to
cry myself to sleep if I let him, but I suddenly didn't have the
energy to fight any longer. My last thought before sleep won was that
I was still wearing his ring.
